Ruthless

Written by Crybaby
Copyright 2006

The truth is
A life that you can’t have
now
A life willing to sacrifice
I’m feeling logical and reasonable.

I don’t know
what you go through
each day in your private life,
through your mind.
I believe
you and I are the same
in so many ways.
I know-whatever
flaws, imperfections
they will disappear

You be Boaz.
I'll be Ruth

It’s not my goal
to make you
feel uneasy
feeling awkward
I am hoping
this will leave you
with a fondness
I don’t know
your struggles
your hurdles or your trials.
Keep fighting whatever it is.
I want to
be here for you.
I wanted to
be there for you
at any given moment
you needed another human
being to be there.
I wanted to
love you the way
I need to
love someone.
I wanted to
fight the fine fight with you.
Struggle with you
enter in through
the narrow gate
not hesitate for a second
combining life
we both dream about.

Perhaps at the end of this:
It was my fantasy.
Making a nice fiction story
Keep fighing whatever it is.
May He bless you
for all your hard work
faithfulness.
Be happy.

Maybe you think
I can’t deal with it.
Maybe you think
I’m too young, a babe
Fair enough,
over a decade apart.
You have
been through more
seen more
Seen things
I can’t imagine seeing

This letter isn’t
to convince you.
I just want to
tell you what
I see in you,
I’m crazy about
tell you I was
ready and willing
to see all of you.
Maybe you could
never deal with
what I deal with
day after day,
month after month.

You’re lovely.
I started
to convince myself
that this is
where every relationship starts.
We both torment ourselves
through poetry,
meditation
past life regrets.
I fantasize
about the future
till I cry in the night
saying I can’t
take it anymore.

I am someone
who would have
understood you the most.
Or would put up with your bullsh!t
I want you
to be happy
maybe I can’t
do that for you
I don’t know
Maybe no one
can.

Put a glove on my hand.
Taking a cheek between
your finger and thumb.
You did the little things
I didn’t let go
of you either.
I didn’t want it
to be over
I kept
calling you.
I’m not
angry with you,
I’m not
flipping out
Watch your step
I'll watch mine

You displayed qualities
I look for
I will search,
I will
keep searching
for someone
with your qualities
crazy about me.
I thought I found him
I have to
find someone
looking for me.
I have to
patiently wait
to be found.

You put Him first.
You gave up
money and riches for Him.
You're kind,
you are giving,
willing to help
you reach out.
you carry excitement,
enthusiasm for the truth
I want to be
surrounded by it everyday.
You pay attention to people
You have insight.
You have a strong desire
I would
love so much
You do not hold back.
You are very alive.
You display it
something I enjoy seeing.

There are too many details
prayers that made me think
that He was involved too.
I think too much
I torment myself
with too much want.
I wouldn’t want to
slow you down
maybe
that is what I would do.

Maybe
simply
I just don’t
do it for you.
Perhaps you’d remain a Eunich
I’d have
to respect that.
Maybe you don’t
want to
I have to
respect that.
Maybe you are
afraid
I have to
respect that.
I can’t
force feed you or
make you.
Maybe
I will grow from this.

I believe
I don’t doubt
there would be
struggles hardships
I believe
we’d figure it out
laugh shortly after
and think
Maybe
that is the ideal way to
handle struggles.
Maybe my laid back,
don’t react to much stresses you out.
Believe me,
I do react.
I’ve never swept anybody
off their feet
so who knows
maybe
Armageddon will come sooner then that
and after all
our troubles are gone
you will change
your mind.

maybe you could
never deal
with my tears
that come and go
without an announcement.
I meant what I said
That thing about
girl likes boy.
In fact I’m crazy about you.
I’m going to miss you.
I’m going to miss
wanting you.
I then need to think
I have a lot more to learn.
There is still a lot to learn.
I need
a depth of spirituality
I have to
grow deeper.
I remember praying
I will try,
this won’t be easy for me.
I fear never finding
love in the truth,
Never be
touched again.
I fear that.
I anticipate feeling for someone
someone that actually loves me a
isn’t just killing time until
something better comes along.
I let it happen.
But it’s okay.

I wanted you
to take me seriously.
I thought you’d see me differently.
maybe you do,
it doesn’t change anything.
I figured if
I suddenly exist
maybe I’ll suddenly exist
in your world.

You show a passion.
It drives you.
I think you are dynamite
I wanted to learn
from you each day on how to be bold.
I wanted that.

Suddenly I felt
a strong need to get back
because instantly I started thinking about the
I gave up what I really wanted.
I didn’t really care for the guy either,
I’m not a very good communicator.
I have a hard time
expressing my feelings
face to face.
Sure I can write it down on paper,
but to look someone in the eye,
someone I want to be with,
I have a hard time speaking.

He was so sweet,
so nice
I did not exist.
told me I was psycho.